I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
