Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
