how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
