my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
