I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
