it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
