I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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