well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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