I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
