I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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