Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
