That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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