Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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