This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
