Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
