It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
