6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
