omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
