Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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