If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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