hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize