Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
