I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
