Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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