it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
