...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
