I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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