It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
