she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
