is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
