Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize