i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
