why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
