walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
