At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
