my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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