for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's rum buckets o'clock
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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