I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
