Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
