if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
