at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
