1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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