is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I am spending my child support on dildos
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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