i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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