I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
