and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
