my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
