Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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