Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
