By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
