he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I would ride that face into the sunset
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
