I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
