Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize