no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
