I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
