Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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