worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
