I think I died a long time ago.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
