I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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