Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
