that's an acceptable place to lick
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
