i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
