its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize